As the end of 2008 is coming to end I have taken the time to reflect on all that has happened me and everything and everyone that i have met that has changed me into the girl I am today.

so lets start from the very beginning. 

January: I started off 2008 at a new school. I knew everyone there and I had many friends that I went to middle school with and to be honest,thats why I went back. To be with the people who never let me down or hurt me. Things at home were going good and I thought I was starting off the year great. 

February: Things at home started to take a turn at the end of this month. My parents were constantly fighting and I just couldnt take it. I began isolating myself and I was slowly growing apart from the people I care about the most. 

March: Nothing has changed at home at this point and I was beginning to believe it never would. I started to loose friends and my life was slowly falling apart. I would lock myself in my room for hours a day and eat dinner alone in my room. I was very lonely. And one night I had had enough of the yelling and fighting,so I did something very stupid and I cut myself. One line right across my left arm. At first it stung a bit,but for some reason I loved it. I became addicted to the pain. I made another cut,then another and soon my arm was leaking blood and yeah,it did hurt. but not as much as all the pain that was held in on the inside. I guess we all have our ways of coping with pain and at the time mine was cutting. The next day at school,well for a month i wore a sweater over my school uniform and people were growing suspicious. I used the excuse that I was sick and I had a cold. It worked.

April: By april I was still cutting and I was still upset. I could tell people were sick of my bullshit. Fuck,I was sick of my bullshit. By the middle of april the group of people that I hung out with were the center of attention. We were a pretty popular group and I was lucky to be apart of it. But one day rumors were spread and we all showed our true colors. Apparently someone went around making up lies about all of us. Like we secretly hated our group ''leader'' and a bunch of other nonsense. The one girl I highly disliked finally stood up for us because we couldnt understand why the ''leader'' didnt believe us. she believe someone she didnt even like over he own best friends. we didnt understand. so things escalated and the girl I didnt like yelled at the leader who i will call ''A'' from now on, and made her cry. Needless to say, ''A'' turned everyone against ''E'' and shuned her from our group. I thought that was wrong and so I went with ''E'' because I thought she was right. ''E'' had nobody and by the end of April we had become very good friends. I was still friends with the group I just didnt hang out with them anymore.

May: Things at home had gotten alot better and there was no use for cutting anymore. I became alot happier and although I was battling an addiction i was starting to see the light. I was getting better grades,rebuilding friendships and enjoying myself. I began to notice a boy at school. He was always there but it was like he gave me butterflies by just being in the same hallway. Whenever he would look at me I would go red and turn away.We never talked but I knew deep down I really liked this boy. His name is kyle and although I never spoke to him I wanted to be with him so badly. I was just too nervous to say anything.  This is the month I went to see panic at the disco! I went to a meet and greet and ryan and I had a little moment that i will never forget haha. Although Im sure he has.

June: Ahh the end of the year. I did very good on my exams and I felt as if I really had a nice end of the year. I stopped cutting and still had a crush on kyle. Nothing was gonna happen though and I was sure of it. We never talked and I was too shy to even look his way. So I gave up. I tried to get over him but for some reason he was always at the back of my mind. I couldnt erase him so I just stopped thinking about him. Me and ''E'' are super tight at this point and were pretty much inseperable. I LOVE this chick to death.

July: the greatest month of the year so far. I did everything. I went to the beach,I shopped,I ate at nice restaurants and had the time of my life. I went to a wakeboarding event and met an australian wake boarder. He called me three times. It didnt last and I didnt expect it too haha. It was just one of those things that were for fun I guess. Anyway, I celebrated my fifteenth birthday on the twelfth and it was lovely. ''E'' who is now Emily haha has become more than my best friend but my sister. She was there when I needed her the most and she never judged me on anything. 

August: Nothing really exciting happened in august. I went to the movies alot though. Thats all i remember.

September: Well after a long and amazing summer I was ready for anything. I was having the time of my life in september. I made new friends that were a year older and I was being noticed by boys more. I guess I really did get hotter over the summer ahahaha.
I saw kyle every now and then and I thought I was over him but watching him at football practice everyday all sweaty and sexy really wasnt helping my little crush situation. I doubt he even knew who I was but I had all this confidence and I wasnt going to give up.

October: I will never forget the month of october. not ever. I was in the hall one day and I saw kyle coming my way and I panicked, Im not going to lie. He looked amazing as always. But I thought I looked pretty good too. so I decided too look him in the eyes and not turn away. and so I did. It was weird. we looked at each other for a very long time. well it seemed long and it was like he was really looking at only me. I know how cliche but its true. we didnt even smile. it was very emotionless and creepy but for some reason I loved it. I loved his eyes and the way he held himself. He was so confident and just GAH!!! I sound like a pathetic school girl but in all honesty he was perfect. All day I was thinking of him. I couldnt focus in class at all. But finally the day was over and I was going to pick up wristbands for fall out boy live in the lot at much music and while im standing in line I got a phone call from kyles friend 'c'. He asked me if I liked him and I said yes. He told me kyle liked me too and that kyle wanted to go on a date with me. So the next day kyle and I talked for the first time. It was awkward and very surreal. He walked me home that day and we stayed outside together for two hours just getting to know each other. FInally we both decided it was time to go so he gave me a hug and I just didnt want to let go but I did ahaha. He was the most amazing hugger ever. And he smelt really good. That was one thing I loved about him,his scent. It was intoxicating haha.

November: In november kyle and I had gotten really close. we walked home together everyday after school and we even hung out at dairy queen where my friend works. One day, I believe it was the 12th he grabbed my hand and to be honest, I died on the inside. It was like an explosion of butterflies and It was the most amazing feeling ever. Finally on the 15th we went on our first date. It was my first date in my life and i its funny because I never thought I would go on a date with kyle let alone talk to him. So we went to the movies and saw role models. we walked around the mall for a bit first and kyle is a very very very attractive person so girls were staring at him the whole time and giving me dirty looks. stupid bitches haha. he was mine not theirs ;)
So he bought one drink for us to share and we held hand the whole movie. it was very sweet. and during the movie every so often he would glance over at me and i would look back and he would smile and i would just laugh. he was the definition of perfect to me. I was starting to fall for him,really hard. We went on our second date on the 21st which ironically enough is his football number. We had a great time and he even met my parent. They loved him.We werent officialy boyfriend and girlfriend but we were something. 
Everything was perfect and I couldnt have been happier. Kyle was an amazing ''semi-boyfriend''. He cared about me and did everything to make me happy. even though it was cold outside we would still hold each other and cuddle on the park bench up the street from my house. It was picture perfect. I had everything. A best friend, the boy i've always wanted,a good relationship with my parents and good grades. 

December: You know how they say all good things come to an end? well thats true. I thought everything was great. Until kyle cheats on me and leaves me for another girl. my world came crashing down. I dont think I cried as much as I did when I found out. So he calls me on the 12th at 1am to explain himself because I had already found out. I acted as though I was fine. I didnt want to give him the satisfaction of hearing me upset. He told me I was all he thought about,how much he cared and like me and its just one of those things that happen that you cant stop. I would literally have to cover the phone so he wouldnt hear me cry during our 3 hour conversation.He'll never know how much he hurt me. He'll never know how much he broke my heart or how many tears I cried over him. And as much as I dont want him to know, I do. I want him to feel bad for what he did. And whats so funny is he doesnt even talk to this girl anymore. He threw everything we had away to be with someone who doesnt want him back. He told me he made a mistake and I told him he better make sure this girl is worth it. But when i see him at school he doesnt look happy. he looks miserable. we still say hi and his face lights up when he sees me. Im not oblivious to it and I know he misses me. But when he took my heart he took my trust. everyday my heart broke and everyday i cried and everyday I missed him more and more. I still do and I still cry. Fuck,today I even cried. I know he's going to come back.maybe tomorrow,next week or at the end of the month. He'll come back. and sadly I know  im going to take him back. I love that boy. I love him dispite everything he did and all the pain he caused me. I just dont think I can trust many people anymore. Im going to be very hesitant with letting people in. kyle changed my life. for the good & bad.
I miss him like crazy. And i think i always will. Because i know even if we do get back together,nothing will be the same. it never is.

so do I have any regrets? no.
because everything that happend made me the alanah I am today.